Still On My Mind
by tunnelvisioned
Summary: Set after 12x05. Struggling with a decision about their marriage, Jackson can't help but worry about April. One-shot.


**A/N: Hey guys! This is my first attempt at writing japril fic. This is a one-shot for now but I might write more one-shots if I get inspired. Please take into consideration that English is not my first language and I apologise in advance if you find any grammatical/lexical errors. And please tell me what you think if you read. Enjoy! :) - Kate**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy and its characters**

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Jackson left Meredith's party and got into his car. He was crushing the couch at Ben and Bailey's house. His hosts didn't mind him spending a couple of days under their roof, but he felt uneasy going back there tonight. The dinner at Meredith's house couldn't have been more awkward and he didn't want to make it worse for himself. He texted Ben not to wait up for him. Instead, he decided to go back to the hospital and sleep this bizarre evening off there; he had an early start in the morning anyway.

Jackson found an empty on-call room in the hospital. It was rather early to go to sleep. He spotted a medical journal lying on the bedside table nearby and decided to read a couple of articles before dozing off. He felt pretty restless and couldn't focus on the material he was reading, his mind would go to the events of that evening. The things that he and his friends learned this night were mind blowing. Derek's death was something that the hospital and staff would need a lot of time to recover from, if they ever did, and now that they learned the exact circumstances that caused his death and that the doctor partially responsible for it would work at Grey Sloan? That was hard to process. And what it was like for Meredith? Jackson shook his head, he wouldn't want to be in Mer's shoes right now. To have a constant reminder of her spouse's death, walking around the hospital. The thought took him back to April. He looked at his watch, Cross should have already dropped them off at Arizona's place. Was April going back to their apartment or would she stay and take care of her friend? He knew she'd choose the latter.

No matter what was going on between them, Jackson was worried about her. And Cross was a new intern, Jackson didn't know him well and he wasn't trustworthy yet. So he just needed to know where April was. Losing her twice to the war zone was hard. It was hard to carry on with his day while trying to get April out of his head and wondering if she is safe and alive at the same time. Now that she was back, aside from being angry and frustrated and trying to push her away, he was glad she was in Seattle. He saw her every day and she was alive.

He took his phone out of the pocket of his jeans and scrolled through his contacts. The last call he'd received from April was almost two months ago, when she gave up on calling him because he wouldn't dare to pick up his phone. He desperately wanted to distance himself from her even more so when she came back, if she did, it would be easy to just hand her the divorce papers and be done. He was so far from done. He contemplated calling her because he didn't want to give hope to her and to himself. But hope or not he still deeply cared and loved her and he wanted to know if she was okay. It was a hard day for her too.

Perhaps having a little bit of liquor in his blood gave him just enough courage to call her.

"Hello? Jackson?", of course she was surprised that he was calling her.

A shiver ran down Jackson's spine. Just the way she said his name was enough to forget about everything bad between them and pretend that everything was okay for now.

"Yeah, hey, it's me… I… I just wanted to know if you… and Arizona got home safely."

Jackson got up and started pacing in the middle of the room, feeling awkward about how the conversation was going so far.

"Yeah, I'm… We're fine. No casualties on the way to her house", she chuckled.

"Okay…Great."

He just wanted to say goodbye to her and hang up. But he also wanted to know exactly where she was.

"So, uhm, are you… are you staying with Arizona tonight?" It felt like he was back in high school, trying to find things to talk about with a girl he liked.

"No, actually Dr. Cross just dropped me off at our… at the apartment. So I'm home, ready to forget today."

Jackson half sighed half chuckled. "I know, this evening was pretty crazy." He went back to the bed and sat down.

"This situation is just out of control. Penny working in the hospital, poor Meredith and Amelia. Honestly, it's gonna be so awkward in here, as if it was possible for it to be more awkward…" she sighed, "but the poor girl, I was her and it sucks."

Jackson inhaled sharply. He hated when April did this to herself, blamed herself for losing that patient.

"Listen, that day… it was chaotic and we were still so inexperienced, it was bound to happen to someone and unfortunately… it was you." There was silence on the other end of the of the line. "And besides," Jackson continued, "remember in our final year of residency, I screwed up pretty badly too, I almost got woman killed. She had a little kid too and it still haunts me", he paused, "so just remember, sometimes we just can't control what's happening around us."

"Thank you", April finally responded, "Thanks for saying that."

"Sure…" Jackson suddenly laughed.

"What?"

"Arizona was pretty wasted tonight."

April snickered. "Yeah, that was pretty funny, until it got ugly. But as soon as I get the chance, I'm so going to remind her about 'pretty little penny'."

"Yeah…" Jackson smiled.

"Listen", April started, "Thank you for telling me where you spent the night last night. I know things are… what they are…", Jackson could feel that she was choosing her words carefully, "But I just wanted to say, thank you for telling me…"

"Sure. And the dinner", he reminded her, "it was really great."

"Thank you. Are you… are you maybe thinking about coming back home soon?"

"April…"

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. I just… I miss you, you know. I really, really miss you."

Jackson felt a lump in his throat, he could hear April's voice trembling. But he couldn't bring himself to say he missed her too just yet.

"I'm glad you got home safe. It was a crazy day. You should get some sleep."

"Yes you too. I guess I see you tomorrow, maybe?"

"Yes, probably… Good night."

"Good night…"

Before she hung up, Jackson stopped her.

"April…"

"Yeah?"

"I miss you too."

April went silent for a moment. "Good night Jackson," she said.

"Good night", Jackson whispered again and hung up.

He had no idea what he was doing. Pushing her away and trying to prevent any form of a relationship between them had been the most logical thing to do but now it wasn't about the logic. It was about what felt right. And letting her go didn't feel right anymore.


End file.
